


with shortness of breath, i'll explain the infinte

by astronomical_ly



Series: tomorrow winter [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Boys In Love, F/F, F/M, First Kiss, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Getting Together, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oblivious Aang (Avatar), POV Zuko (Avatar), Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Sad Zuko (Avatar), Self-Reflection, Soft Zuko (Avatar), Sort of? - Freeform, Title from a Sleeping At Last Song, Unrequited Love, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, and women, because how sexist is that?, no beta we die like men, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:40:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27770902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astronomical_ly/pseuds/astronomical_ly
Summary: It is the first time he has acknowledged the spark of feelings that never fail to rise whenever Aang smiles at him, or gives him one of his bear hugs in all of their glory that leaves Zuko gasping for breath sometimes.For all that Zuko hates people touching him, when Aang does, he cannot bring himself to care.He wonders if he ever will.or; Zuko can't help but love the wonder that is Aang, and the author really just wants to stop torturing her poor, soft, boys and get them together already.
Relationships: Aang/Zuko (Avatar)
Series: tomorrow winter [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033164
Comments: 16
Kudos: 50





	with shortness of breath, i'll explain the infinte

Zuko has never hated winter.

He has never hated the cold months that made his father and most of his closest generals and officers stay inside for the duration of the season - instead, he had always chosen to look upon them with curiosity and interest, marveling at the feel of quick droplets of cold melting on his skin, the feel of snowflakes tickling his nose as he looked up, facing the heavens.

He's never hated winter. 

It is snowing outside today, thick, unearthly flakes of ice that cover the surroundings with layers of fresh, pure, white. 

Watching the snowflakes swirl down in fresh torrents, Zuko has a sudden desire to rush outside from under the protection of high cliff walls and catch the thick flakes on his tongue, like he used to do when he was a child, when he and Azula were just children not knowing any better, when winters meant playing outside in the snow with their mother, throwing snowballs and making snow angels.

Zuko had his dear Uncle Iroh to keep him company, with his bad jokes with terrible punch-lines, the constant fragrance of jasmine tea that seemed to hang in the air around him, and infinite wisdom, even in the last three years he spent banished, searching for the Avatar.

There were moments when Zuko wanted everything to just end, moments when he has spent the night screaming his voice raw into the pillow, moments when he has struggled to pick himself out of bed. He has struggled enough to know how it feels to be the odd one out. He has had his moments of highs and lows.

But he has never felt so achingly lonely.

The wind blows yet more harshly against the tender side of his face, making him duck his head further into the hollow between his bowed knees, and blow a small puff of fire from his mouth to heat his slowly freezing hands. He is leaning against a stone pillar, a bit farther away from the circle of fire the others are huddled around.

Zuko feels the corner of his mouth twitch upwards into something that could resemble a half-smile, as he watches Toph (the blind-but-savvy, sarcastic, earth bender who he's come to admire and call a little sister, in the two weeks he's been here) get into an argument with Sokka (the boomerang-throwing, jokester who insists he leads the group - a fact Zuko still isn't sure is real) about the smell of his socks. 

Stifling a laugh behind the palm of her hand is Katara, her blue eyes shining with unbridled amusement.

(The fierce water bender has yet to stop blaming him for the murder of all the water benders in her village - and even though Zuko was not the one who ordered those attacks, even though he has somewhat reformed himself in their eyes, she cannot forgive him. 

Zuko understands.

Sometimes, he cannot quite bring himself to forgive him, either.)

Meanwhile, Aang (the literal _child_ \- what is fifteen then, if not a child? Are they not all children playing in a game of war? - who has been expected to save the entire _world_ , who has the fate of the world resting on his youthful shoulders) is all wild gestures and excited, bright gray eyes, sparkling with wonder and warmth, as he spiritedly talks to his Sky Bison, Appa, about all the things they were going to do once the war was over, and all the places they were going to go, his enthusiasm un-marred by the ever-looming presence of war that casts a shadow over them all.

 _He's beautiful_ , Zuko thinks, watching the way the light from the hearth bounces off Aang and surrounds his face in shadows and a warm glow, before noticing the direction his thoughts are going and trying to squash them down.

His thoughts have been going like this for months now, alternating between hot and cold, yearning one moment, shutting down the next. He desperately wishes he could make sense of his feelings, unwanted and hated as they are.

(Although it never seems like it; the thoughts are never unwanted when they come - they are never hated when he first thinks of them. He supposes, he gets too caught up in the moment to properly hate himself for thinking this way - for being unnatural - being freakish.)

But no matter how much he will always berate himself for sinking so low, he never cares when he is thinking of Aang. 

Because - because he _loves_ him. 

(It is the first time he has acknowledged the spark of feelings that never fail to rise whenever Aang smiles at him, or gives him one of his bear hugs in all of their glory that leaves Zuko gasping for breath sometimes. 

For all that Zuko hates people touching him, when Aang does, he cannot bring himself to care.

He wonders if he ever will.)

He cannot help but love this boy; Aang, with his unbridled enthusiasm, and eyes that sparkle with wonder and emotion, Aang, who accepted Zuko so easily because he cannot help but see the good in people, Aang, who talked to Appa and Momo as if they were real people, Aang, who had ever just wanted to be that - just Aang, not the Avatar, not the supposed savior of their world, just - Aang.

As if he is listening to Zuko's thoughts, Aang looks up from petting Appa's furry nose and gives him one of those smiles again, wide and filled with openness and joy (is he happy to see _Zuko?_ ). In the dim lighting, Aang looks otherworldly, beautiful and radiant, like an angel.

Zuko's breath catches.

He watches as Aang tips his head to the side and nods towards the circle around the fire, the sudden angle casting dancing shadows across the line of his jaw, the invitation to sit and join the others (who are huddled around the fire), clear in the questioning tilt of his head.

Zuko tries for a reassuring grin (though he is sure it looks more like he is constipated), and shrugs his right shoulder. Aang looks like he's just sighed, as he's shaking his head at the ground and staring at his feet, but Zuko isn't sure what to name the look on his face - is Aang _disappointed? -_ Zuko can't quite tell. 

Aang looks up from the spot on the floor he'd been staring at and shrugs back at him. The set of his shoulders and posture seem to emanate something like _Fine, have it your way, then_.

Zuko swallows the sudden lump in his throat, nods sharply once, and then turns his head to the side, studying the fall of snow, that come swirling down harder than ever.

He doesn't look back for quite a long period of time, and when he dares to chance a look, it is to the sight of Aang grinning brightly at a similarly beaming Katara. Zuko knows that look in Aang's face - he would recognize it from a million miles away. It's the same look Zuko's sure he's got plastered all over his face whenever he finds himself gazing at Aang - whenever he thinks no one is looking.

He _knows_ this look, and he hates it, hates it for what it represents, hates it because it only serves to represent this... this - _weakness_. 

Zuko is weak, he knows he is, it's something his farce-for-a-father Ozai had always told him, something he had refused to believe until all his truths came out and he was left floundering in an ocean too vast and deep for him to comprehend.

Looking at the group of four friends, Zuko is left feeling out of his depth - like he always is, when it comes to "Team Avatar", as Sokka had so ingeniously dubbed it. They fit together, a seamless team that knows what the other is capable of, every ability. They are, in the simplest of terms, a family.

(Something Zuko has always wanted, but he can never hope to have.

People like him don't deserve to hope for something so precious, so pure. He would know, after all. 

He tends to burn everything he touches.)

He looks at them, this family, and wonders, where he fits into all of this - or if he is even meant to fit in at all.

He is here to teach the Avatar to master his fire bending, to play his part (the right part) in the war against his father, Fire Lord Ozai, not to make friends. He is not here to insert himself into a group that is doing perfectly fine as it is. He is not here to fuck things up like usual, like he _always_ does.

But he cannot help but yearn to be a part of this family. He yearns, and he yearns with a longing so fierce and primal, it _burns_.

Zuko tries not to stare at Aang and Katara for too long, but something set in the lines of Toph's face as she glances at him for a second too long, makes him wonder if he's really that bad at hiding his affection ( _his love_ ) for Aang. If he really is that bad, then for once, he's glad that Katara likes to give him the cold shoulder, and that Aang is so blissfully oblivious.

Aang deserves someone who is not so severely broken. He does not deserve this empty shell of a boy trying to play soldier. He deserves someone who can keep him happy, not someone who is so loaded with their own problems half of the time he can barely get up out of bed. He deserves someone who is _honorable_ , he does not deserve this scarred monster, this wisp of a human being.

Zuko blinks rapidly to stave off the sudden stinging in his eyes. (He can't _believe_ this. He hasn't cried since he was seven-years-old and had broken his wrist while training with Azula.)

When he glances back at the group of four huddled around the fire, he almost smiles ( _almost_ ). 

Aang is making the hearth grow bigger, feeding it small curls of fire from his hands, making the tongues of flame dance and leap around merrily, as Toph, Sokka, and Katara _ooh_ and _aah_.

And even though Zuko is surrounded by the growing warmth, he can't help but feel so cold.

He's never hated winter. He is not so sure if he does anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> oh no, our poor turtleduck zuko, he thinks that aang loves katara???  
> baby, nooo, he loves youuuuu  
> i promise, next chapter i will be nicer to zuko!! and not as much angst.  
> also, the line i thought of that basically inspired this fic:  
> "But he cannot help but yearn. He yearns, and he yearns with a longing so fierce and primal, it burns."
> 
> come yell at me on my tumblr: [@astronomicall-y](https://astronomicall-y.tumblr.com/)  
> or my twitter: [@astronomicall_y](https://twitter.com/astronomicall_y)  
> link to my discord server if you wanna come and chat: [astronomically idiotic](https://discord.gg/MTYBm5Y7)


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